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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Life Sure Isn't Fair, But God is Faithful...Diagnosed with a "Missed Miscarriage"

I've known that life isn't fair since I was about five years old, but am currently relearning this truth as I am awaiting a miscarriage. It has been two weeks and three days since my OB informed us that we had a “missed miscarriage” since my third baby's heartbeat had stopped probably somewhere between 12 weeks 5 days and 13 weeks 1 day and my body had yet to recognize our baby has passed away. My husband, Rick, just happened to be at our regularly scheduled 13 week checkup that day... thank God he was with me.

Since the sad news I have gone through a series of emotions and experiences I never imagined or even knew were physically possible. The first was that of a slow motion outer body experience where I felt my body go limp when I stood up and the sonogram room move (the room obviously didn't move). Rick had to hold me as we walked back to our original room at the OB's office. Later that same day, I had afternoon/ evening nausea just like I had experienced in the days and weeks prior. I learned that one's body may still produce pregnancy hormones even after one's baby has passed thus the ongoing nausea, exhaustion and baby bump. Right after that, my body went into shock much like it did over a year ago when I found out my Dad had been diagnosed with end-stage liver disease (Praise be to God that my Dad's health has greatly improved and he is alive and well). I vomited countless times to the point where I couldn't even keep a sip of water down and threw-up yellow stomach bile for hours. Every time I laid my head down to sleep that night I would hear my heartbeat loud and clear reminding me of the fact that my baby's heartbeat could no longer be heard on earth.  Fortunately, the nausea medicine the OB had just prescribed around midnight got me to sleep. 

Friday, March 22nd/ Day 2 of Waiting
My Mom hopped on a plane in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at 6 AM EST time and arrived at our house around 9 AM CST. Thanks be to God for her and her boss/ Firm for their understanding. My friends Paula and Kym both dropped off dinner without us even asking. Thank God for friends in times like these. Kym even brought me some Emetrol which worked wonders to settle my stomach so I could finally eat and get some much needed energy. 

Throughout the day we made phone-calls to our Doctors and doulas. We were guided by a wonderful Catholic doula to contact the Elizabeth Ministry at Saint Rita for a miscarried baby coffin and to call the Calvary Hill Cemetery as they have a special crypt/tomb for miscarried babies. We also called our friend, Monsignor Roberto Garza in Miami, Florida, who reminded us that it was Lent and encouraged us to try and use this as our Passion and try to grow closer to Christ. 

Saturday, March 23rd/ Day 3 of Waiting
My friend Erin mailed us flowers for our loss. We so needed the beauty of flowers to help cheer us and our house up, plus what a way to honor our baby. 

Sunday, March 24th/ Palm Sunday/ Day 4 of Waiting
I didn't go to Mass. For those that know me they know I always go to Mass on Sunday and the occasional times I haven't I felt sick to my stomach. My Latin Mass friend, Terry, recently reminded me that it's not a sin to not go to Mass when you are sick. I was sick in a sense and also didn't want to run the risk of running into anyone as I was still showing and the conversation could be really awkward not to mention I might just burst into tears. Rick took Sofia to Mass and to the Easter egg hunt afterward. Sofia was so excited to show me her basket of eggs when she got home. Thank God for Sofia, our first child. 

Monday, March 25th/ Day 5 of Waiting
Nausea.

Tuesday, March 26th/ Day 6 of Waiting
We all brought Sofia to school in efforts to keep her routine as normal as possible. We then went to my ND/ Naturopath to get her take on the whole situation. Why is it that the healthier, more “green,” organic, and natural I get the worse my pregnancies. She, like my OB, said this caught her off guard as she didn't see this coming at this stage of the pregnancy. Apparently a "missed miscarriage" happens in 1% of all pregnancies. Some odds! In efforts to give us something to do and be proactive, maybe get some answers she suggested to move forward with genetic testing ASAP. Lucky for us we just happen to know of a Pediatric Geneticist, Rick's Dad. 

Our friend Melissa brought over a yummy Mexican dinner, Sofia was all over it! ;)

Wednesday, March 27th/ Day 7 of Waiting
Made lots of phone calls to Rick's Dad, our Geneticist. My Mom and I took Sofia to ballet and went out to eat before grocery shopping. A somewhat "normal" day.

A friend and old co-worker, from my first job out of college, called me and shared her natural missed miscarriage story with me. She is a woman of strong faith and her story has greatly prepared me and Rick for what's to come physically and emotionally. My OB definitely did not go into such great detail. I took written notes, about 20 bullet points, as if I was preparing for an exam. She also spoke such beautiful complimentary words to me about me, my motherhood, and my babies. She spoke to my soul. 

Thursday, March 28th/ Holy Thursday/ Day 8 of Waiting
Follow-up appointment at OB to discuss how things are going or not really going and to have another sonogram so as to be 100% sure our baby has passed away. My Mom accompanied us to the OB and lost it when she saw her third grand baby's heart not beating and body listless in my womb via the sonogram monitor. She left the OB's office for several minutes to cry and try and regain her composure. The Sonographer said, "Every once in a while I take a couple home with me, you guys are one of those couples that I have taken home with me." Tears! 

After our OB appointment we went to the lab a few feet away to have our blood drawn for genetic testing. 17 vials of blood were drawn from my left arm and just one vial from Rick's. Women do get screwed in this department. 

I missed my favorite Mass/ Service of the year; my bridesmaids know what I am talking about as this is sort of my favorite "holiday/ holy day." ;)

Friday, March 29th/ Good Friday/ Day 9 of Waiting
Nausea. My child is dead. I thought a lot about Our Mother Mary/ the Seven Sorrows of Our Lady. Spoke to one of my cousins who also had a miscarriage and was comforted/ supported by her story, her words and her Catholic faith. Thank God for family in times like these.

Saturday, March 30th/ Day 10 of Waiting
Started a four day natural regime of herbal tonics, which per my ND, could help my body release our baby. This regime consisted of taking Ruta Graveolens (1/2 tsp 5x day) and Artemesia (1/2 tsp 3x day) along with a cup of Smooth Move Tea every other night. Major cramps while "sleeping."

Sunday, March 31st/ Easter Sunday/ Day 11 of Waiting
My Mom had to leave for Florida at the crack of dawn to get back to work, can't wait until she can retire but so incredibly grateful for the time she was here with us in Dallas. Fortunately I woke up really early and spent some time with her chatting in bed. I had her place her hands on my belly and say a symbolic bye to her grandchild as she left our house.

I had contraction like cramps every 20 minutes for two hours followed by explosive diarrhea after breakfast and after Easter brunch at Toulouse. "Smooth Move" isn’t so smooth. ;)

Showered and got dressed for Easter Sunday Mass. I was back to Mass! Back to Church! Wore a black maxi dress, not exactly Easter-ish or what I was planning to wear but I was trying to conceal my baby bump as much as possible in efforts to prevent awkward conversations. During Mass Father B said something that really touched my heart, "Christ wants to reunite us with our loved ones in heaven that we may have lost on earth." Tears! We lit our after-Mass candle with Sofia, just as Rick and I have been doing since we were engaged. This time we lit two candles, one for baby Sam, our second child, who went to heaven right before we were five weeks pregnant and one for baby Valentina, our third child. 

Baby Sam, Sam for Samuel or Samantha, means "God heard." God heard our prayers to get pregnant with a second child. Sam Frances Macias, angel baby, miscarried on 11/16/12.  Frances of Rome was a Saint who lost two children to the plague.

Baby Valentina, Valentina in honor of Saint Valentine/ the first day we saw/ heard our third baby's heart. The heart rate was high, more like that of a girl's, one point higher than Sofia's, so we are guessing she was a girl. We may know for sure when our baby passes from my body. Valentina Faith Macias, angel baby, missed miscarried in March 2013.  Faith, defined as confidence or trust in God. Faith, what Rick and I are holding on to and need to hold on to even if  just by a thread. 

Our angel babies are in heaven with the Risen Lord, Christ the King, Our Heavenly Father, Our Blessed Mother Mary and all the Saints and Angels.

Monday, April 1st/ April Fools/ Day 12 of Waiting
Rick worked from home. We brought Sofia to the dentist for her six-month checkup. She did great. She is an amazing little 2.5 year old. Sofia seems wise beyond her years, which is not surprising given that her name means wisdom in Latin. My Mom use to tell me to pray for wisdom when I was a young girl/ teenager and that's how Sofia got her name plus it's Spanglish. ;) Grace is her middle name which came to me after I completed a "Women of Grace" study/ right before we conceived Sofia. 

Day 3 of the natural regime. I feel like crap, I had a headache that feels almost like the hangover I had on my 30th birthday and I am weak, in bed.

Tuesday, April 2nd/ Day 13 of Waiting
Day 4 of natural regime. I was in bed all day, doubling up on doses per ND to see if we can get my body to budge.

Our friend Monica came over and brought two bouquets of bright flowers and sweet treats for Sofia. She has offered to be our emergency sitter when the miscarriage does happen. We want to try and shield Sofia from hearing/ seeing a natural miscarriage. 

Wednesday - Friday, April 3rd - 5th/ Days 14-16 of Waiting
I  hadn’t left the house since Monday. My hangover headache has since turned into a sore throat and cold. At least I can take some real meds and not just my usual natural stuff. ;) 

Allison brought over two huge dinners and dessert that fed us for four days!!

Thank God for TV/ General Hospital/ GH's 50th Anniversary/ "The Nurse's Ball"/ Jasper Jaxs and lots of bad TV like Scandal. ;)

Saturday, April 6th/ Day 17 of Waiting
Still got this damn cold but must get out of the house. To Bishop Arts we go to buy Sofia a cute dress from Cozy Cottage along with a custom "S" hair bow holder that we should have in a week. I ate a little bit of lunch from Hunky's and a slice of "Smooth Operator" pie from Emporium Pies. As lunch arrived to our table Sofia said, "vamos a resar" which means, we will pray/ let’s pray. Yes Sofia, let us pray.

Earlier this evening my Mom called and guess what?!?! She spoke, in person, to Johnnette Benkovic, an amazing Catholic apostolate for women and the author of that book I read right before Sofia was conceived, "Full of Grace." My Mom spoke to Johnnette in person because she happened to be at her retreat in Boca Raton, Florida. My Mom of course told Johnnette my story and well Johnnette told her I should read John 10:10 which says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I have come so that they may have life and have it to the full." Eternal life is what my babies have because of Jesus. :)

Johnnette also told my Mom something to the effect that I need to give/ hand over this situation to Jesus so that, my human body/ my human will, can comply to His will and release my baby's body over to Him. In Sofia's words for today, "let's pray" for that and patience too! ;)

THANK YOU to our numerous family and friends who were not all mentioned in this post, but have been there for us via text messages, phone calls, emails, meals, flowers, visits, cards and most of all PRAYERS. We love you and thank God for you during this time of WAITING. Please pray that the miscarriage will go as smoothly as possible, that I will be in good health/ cold-free when it happens and that there will be no complications i.e. fever, hemorrhaging, infection, etc.

2 comments:

  1. Im so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you. Please let me know if you need anything.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Ashli! I thought I was in the clear when I told you I was pregnant, little did I know...

    ReplyDelete