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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Christian's "1st Birthday"

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I gave birth to our baby boy, Christian. We celebrated his life by having a yummy chocolate raspberry birthday cake from Tart at the cemetery. The three of us sang "Happy Birthday" to Christian and Sofia blew out his candle. While Sofia indulged in cake we read her, "Heaven is for Real for Little Ones." (Photos to come once we fix our laptop. I am currently posting from my iPhone.)

I can't believe it has been a year since I gave birth to Christian in our jacuzzi tub. We thought we would be pregnant today and we were until baby Jo died a few weeks ago. We didn't think we would get to Christian's 1st Birthday having lost yet another child but we did and it really sucks. :( We thought we would be expecting our rainbow baby today instead we are wishing, hoping and praying to get pregnant again around July and deliver a healthy happy living breathing rainbow baby in 2015.

Happy Birthday Christian! We miss you dearly but know you are safe in the arms of Jesus at our ultimate destination, Heaven. Christian, please pray for us and give your siblings Sam and Jo big hugs and kisses from all three of us. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Big Sister Sofia.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

We Have Named Our Babies

Since we believe that life begins at conception and we saw two sacs we felt obligated to name our babies. This was hard for us as we didn't want to add to our list of babies in heaven or add to the list of siblings Sofia has in heaven. It's just so sad for all three of us. The physical and emotional part of pregnancy which is then followed by loss effects each one of us and is taking its toll just when we were getting better after so much grief work and healing.

We definitely needed to name one baby as we know we were pregnant but since we saw two sacs we came up with two names just in case there were two souls created. I guess we'll know for sure when we get to heaven.

Our babies names are,

Jo Frances Macias & Lu Frances Macias

They share baby Sam's middle name as they are our babies whose gender we do not know since they died so early in my womb. There are many Saint Frances(s) but the one we think of when it comes to our babies is a Mother who lost two children to death from the plague in Italy.

Rick felt very strongly about the name Jo, it could be short for Joseph/ Jose or Josephine/ Josefina. In any case, it's a name after Saint Joseph, Jesus' earthly Father, and Patron Saint of Fathers. The name Joseph also means, "God shall add." Coming up with another two letter gender neutral name was a bit more challenging. I liked Lo after Our Lady of Sorrows, Lola, Delores or for a boy after one of the many Saint Lawrence(s). But we went with Lu which could be for one of the many St. Louise(s). My Maternal Grandmother's name was Louisa and she lost a son, her 10th child, shortly after birth. My Mom was very young as she was the ninth child and doesn't remember his exact age, days or weeks, or the cause of his death. He had a home-birth like all his siblings and well back in those days there was not a whole lot of good record keeping or testing.

So when Rick and I think of all of our children we think of,

1. Sofia Grace Macias
2. Sam Frances Macias
3. Christian Valentine Macias
4./5. Jo Frances Macias & Lu Frances Macias

It's crazy to think that when we get to heaven we may have three or four babies waiting to greet us. (tears)

Back in "The Valley"

We are back in "the valley" the valley of death, loss and grief. We thought we were going to be back on the "mountain top" when we conceived again on the first try in our beloved Florida early February and were possibly having twins based on my initial blood work numbers and sonogram. We were so happy, for a second. We saw a glimmer of light and now we are back in the darkness. It sucks!

We were pregnant again the month before the one year anniversary of Christian being pronounced dead and I was so relieved to get to the one year mark of that terrible news pregnant. And then it was over. We will now get to the one year anniversary of Christian's birth, April 19th, having experienced yet another pregnancy loss of one or two more of our babies. I may even still be bleeding when the 19th rolls around.

We are in "the valley" on yet another season of Lent. Lent has been really serious and quite depressing these last two years. We are having total déjàvu with the timing of our last two pregnancy losses.

During Stations of the Cross Friday I broke down in tears as I focused on the fact that Jesus fell three times and I have had three consecutive pregnancy losses of three or four babies. Three times! :( May all my suffering on earth be for redemptive purposes. (More on Redemptive Suffering to come later.)

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Another "Missed Miscarriage" Today

We went from high HCG, unusually high Progesterone, possibly twins, two gestational sacs or one gestational sac and one subchorinoic hematoma at 5 weeks 4 days.

to...

HCG not doubling as fast as it should, Progesterone dropping, only one empty sac still measuring 5 weeks 4 days at 8 weeks since my Last Menstrual Period.

Theories include, a "blighted ovum" or "vanishing twins" in either case another "missed miscarriage" because my body is still acting very much pregnant and not a spec of blood has been shed.

WTF!?!? 
How do we grieve this pregnancy?
Were two, one or zero souls/ babies created in my womb during this my fourth pregnancy?
Will I bleed?
When will I bleed?
Or will my body reabsorb the remaining gestational sac?
Will it vanish like the other sac did?
Why do we keep getting pregnant if our babies are just going to die? We've been pregnant four times in less than 3.5 years.
Why does God allow us to even get pregnant? Especially this time on our very first try post surgery in Florida where we conceived our precious living breathing Sofia.

We really thought this baby/ these babies were going to be our Rainbow Babies.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Christian's 1st Angel-versary

Today is the one year Angel-versary of our sweet baby boy Christian. We love and miss him dearly.

A year ago today was the worst day of our lives when our baby was pronounced dead in my womb at 13 weeks 1 day. I felt the sonogram room shake and was too numb to even cry at first. My head was spinning and I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't drive so Rick left his car at the OB's office and drove us home in my car. I got in bed sobbed and vomited countless times. Unbeknownst to us Sofia took a picture of me in my undergarments, leaning over my bed, with a side profile of my pregnant belly, vomiting into a trash can Rick was holding. In the photo you can see this circle band-aid on my left hip where the nurse had to give me a RhoGAM shot since my blood type is O- RH Negative and this shot is standard for me to get before and sometimes after delivery of each of my babies. With Sofia and Christian it was before because I knew I would be delivering them soon and with Sam it was right after since we lost him so early in pregnancy without warning. Sometimes I feel like Sofia has seen way too much sadness in me but for whatever reason she captured the moment with our camera and I am grateful for the photo even though it is such a sad scene.

To celebrate Christian's Angel-versary we went to the cemetery with yellow and blue-ish flowers and balloons. Rick wrote Christian a message on a yellow balloon and I wrote him one on a blue balloon. Sofia helped us let the balloons go up into the beautiful sky.




Shortly before we left our house for the cemetery there was a ring at the doorbell. We received a beautiful flower delivery from MEND, our support group, which included a white rose and purple forget-me-nots, with a card that said, "Our Thoughts and Prayers are with You Today as We Remember Christian. Love, MEND" The delivery man pointed out that there were more flowers, a card and cupcakes at our door. These additional gifts were from my MEND friend Jen who lives all the way out in Keller but happened to be in the area for a doctor appointment. We were so touched! The flowers from Jen were the most gorgeous blue orchids I have ever seen, perfect for Christian! Sofia was thrilled with the cupcakes and even sang Christian a song so she could dive in and devour one. ;)


Rick and I look at Christian's Angel-versary as like the day we got kicked in the gut, hit by a bus, run over by a train but as also the day our son saw the face of God and became an angel in heaven. After that there was a long 30 day waiting period until the afternoon I finally went into labor and delivered our sweet baby boy. We recently decided that will celebrate Christian's birth-day on April 19th as that is the day I gave birth to his precious little body.

Christian, we love and miss you!
Happy Angel-versary our sweet baby boy!
XOXO - Mommy, Daddy & Big Sister Sofia

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Creating a 2014 Vision Board

My creative juices are flowing today and it feels good! A few days ago I saw on Facebook that a friend of mine from college created a vision board with a group of her friends and I loved their photos! Today while reading "Rediscover Catholicism" by Matthew Kelly I relearned the importance of a vision for one's life, marriage, family, etc.. "Where there is no vision, the people will perish." (Proverbs 29:18) I think I will create three boards one for me, one for Rick & I and one for our family. I'll post mine on my bathroom door from the master bedroom side of the door. I think I'll post our marriage one on the back of our bedroom door and our family one on the kitchen door that leads to the garage. We'll see, these are just my preliminary ideas. ;)

Anyone else making a 2014 Vision Board?

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Nine Months Out, Courage & My First Dream of My Angel Babies

I am as they say, "nine months out" from the day I delivered our son Christian. This milestone has been filled with some tears and anxiety. Oddly enough the six months out milestone felt better. I totally cried last night, while getting ready for Mass this morning and at Mass. We went to the cemetery this afternoon and the sun was shining down on us in the midst of the cool temperatures. The cemetery has become this strange place where I feel so close to the coldness of death and yet close to the sunshine of heaven/ the face of God.

We are not where we thought we'd be at nine months out. We thought we would be expecting baby Macias #4 but we had to stop trying in October as I needed polyp removal surgery. The surgery then got pushed back from November to December and now I am to let my uterus heal. The three-six month window for optimal results we had been so indoctrinated with by our Doctors after delivering Christian was shut after two months! :( So of course I am now worried about my odds given that any possible conception will occur at or after being 10 months out, following two consecutive losses. Something strange did give me some hope the other day. I found my Grandmother Kane's funeral card from 1997 and did some math to find out she had my Dad at 39 years old. I believe my Mama Luisa had my Mom is her early 40s. It helps to know these little facts since I am getting older. After thousands of dollars worth of testing Doctors don't know of any reason we shouldn't have another healthy pregnancy and living baby. That should also give me some peace of mind. I'm worried though, now more than ever. I just don't want to deliver another dead baby or experience another loss, it's traumatizing. I haven't really written about the trauma of loss but there is definitely some post traumatic stress stuff that accompanies grief, one day I need to blog about that side of things. I guess this is when courage comes into play.

Courage: the ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain or grief. I'll be calling on and praying for courage. Courage to try again at least one more time, especially for Sofia. Please pray for me to have an increase of courage and if even possible for my anxiety to be low.

Last Saturday the 11th of January I had my first dream of Christian and baby Sam. I dreamt of two babies one was a newborn/ infant who I think was Sam and the other a toddler who I think was Christian. I think Christian was the toddler because I lost him further along that I did baby Sam. I know that sounds strange since Sam is older than Christian but that's just the feeling I got. Sam was swaddled in blankets, looked at me and then took a breath and died and then woke up again happy. It was a bit disturbing but I guess symbolic like he or she had life on earth for a short time in my womb, passed away and now has eternal life in heaven. In the dream Christian had medium blond hair and blue eyes and he said, "Mommy I'm here," "I'm ok" and he was playing around on this wooden ranch like fence. I quickly woke up from the dream and wanted to wake Rick up but it was the middle of the night and our sleep had already been disturbed by Sofia crawling into our bed which we don't really mind so I let Rick sleep and told him about the dream in the morning.

I wonder if I will keep dreaming of Sam and Christian now that I have had my first dream of them. If so, how often will I have dreams? What will I learn or take away from these dreams? Who knows! Only God! He is the only one that knows what any of this means or what this is all for...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

It's 2014!! What's on Your Mind?

It's 2014 and there are lots of questions on my mind...

1. Will we move to Coppell this year? (Gosh, I am going to miss my kitchen!! ;))

2. Will we have another living child???

3. Where will Sofia go to pre-school next year? It's between Spanish House and Saint Monica if we stay in Dallas and Spanish Schoolhouse and Saint Ann if we move to Coppell. Should I really just go ahead and register at all four schools?

Housing, baby and schools are on my mind... What's on your mind for 2014?