I am as they say, "nine months out" from the day I delivered our son Christian. This milestone has been filled with some tears and anxiety. Oddly enough the six months out milestone felt better. I totally cried last night, while getting ready for Mass this morning and at Mass. We went to the cemetery this afternoon and the sun was shining down on us in the midst of the cool temperatures. The cemetery has become this strange place where I feel so close to the coldness of death and yet close to the sunshine of heaven/ the face of God.
We are not where we thought we'd be at nine months out. We thought we would be expecting baby Macias #4 but we had to stop trying in October as I needed polyp removal surgery. The surgery then got pushed back from November to December and now I am to let my uterus heal. The three-six month window for optimal results we had been so indoctrinated with by our Doctors after delivering Christian was shut after two months! :( So of course I am now worried about my odds given that any possible conception will occur at or after being 10 months out, following two consecutive losses. Something strange did give me some hope the other day. I found my Grandmother Kane's funeral card from 1997 and did some math to find out she had my Dad at 39 years old. I believe my Mama Luisa had my Mom is her early 40s. It helps to know these little facts since I am getting older. After thousands of dollars worth of testing Doctors don't know of any reason we shouldn't have another healthy pregnancy and living baby. That should also give me some peace of mind. I'm worried though, now more than ever. I just don't want to deliver another dead baby or experience another loss, it's traumatizing. I haven't really written about the trauma of loss but there is definitely some post traumatic stress stuff that accompanies grief, one day I need to blog about that side of things. I guess this is when courage comes into play.
Courage: the ability to do something that frightens you; strength in the face of pain or grief. I'll be calling on and praying for courage. Courage to try again at least one more time, especially for Sofia. Please pray for me to have an increase of courage and if even possible for my anxiety to be low.
Last Saturday the 11th of January I had my first dream of Christian and baby Sam. I dreamt of two babies one was a newborn/ infant who I think was Sam and the other a toddler who I think was Christian. I think Christian was the toddler because I lost him further along that I did baby Sam. I know that sounds strange since Sam is older than Christian but that's just the feeling I got. Sam was swaddled in blankets, looked at me and then took a breath and died and then woke up again happy. It was a bit disturbing but I guess symbolic like he or she had life on earth for a short time in my womb, passed away and now has eternal life in heaven. In the dream Christian had medium blond hair and blue eyes and he said, "Mommy I'm here," "I'm ok" and he was playing around on this wooden ranch like fence. I quickly woke up from the dream and wanted to wake Rick up but it was the middle of the night and our sleep had already been disturbed by Sofia crawling into our bed which we don't really mind so I let Rick sleep and told him about the dream in the morning.
I wonder if I will keep dreaming of Sam and Christian now that I have had my first dream of them. If so, how often will I have dreams? What will I learn or take away from these dreams? Who knows! Only God! He is the only one that knows what any of this means or what this is all for...