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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Another "Missed Miscarriage" Today

We went from high HCG, unusually high Progesterone, possibly twins, two gestational sacs or one gestational sac and one subchorinoic hematoma at 5 weeks 4 days.

to...

HCG not doubling as fast as it should, Progesterone dropping, only one empty sac still measuring 5 weeks 4 days at 8 weeks since my Last Menstrual Period.

Theories include, a "blighted ovum" or "vanishing twins" in either case another "missed miscarriage" because my body is still acting very much pregnant and not a spec of blood has been shed.

WTF!?!? 
How do we grieve this pregnancy?
Were two, one or zero souls/ babies created in my womb during this my fourth pregnancy?
Will I bleed?
When will I bleed?
Or will my body reabsorb the remaining gestational sac?
Will it vanish like the other sac did?
Why do we keep getting pregnant if our babies are just going to die? We've been pregnant four times in less than 3.5 years.
Why does God allow us to even get pregnant? Especially this time on our very first try post surgery in Florida where we conceived our precious living breathing Sofia.

We really thought this baby/ these babies were going to be our Rainbow Babies.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Christian's 1st Angel-versary

Today is the one year Angel-versary of our sweet baby boy Christian. We love and miss him dearly.

A year ago today was the worst day of our lives when our baby was pronounced dead in my womb at 13 weeks 1 day. I felt the sonogram room shake and was too numb to even cry at first. My head was spinning and I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't drive so Rick left his car at the OB's office and drove us home in my car. I got in bed sobbed and vomited countless times. Unbeknownst to us Sofia took a picture of me in my undergarments, leaning over my bed, with a side profile of my pregnant belly, vomiting into a trash can Rick was holding. In the photo you can see this circle band-aid on my left hip where the nurse had to give me a RhoGAM shot since my blood type is O- RH Negative and this shot is standard for me to get before and sometimes after delivery of each of my babies. With Sofia and Christian it was before because I knew I would be delivering them soon and with Sam it was right after since we lost him so early in pregnancy without warning. Sometimes I feel like Sofia has seen way too much sadness in me but for whatever reason she captured the moment with our camera and I am grateful for the photo even though it is such a sad scene.

To celebrate Christian's Angel-versary we went to the cemetery with yellow and blue-ish flowers and balloons. Rick wrote Christian a message on a yellow balloon and I wrote him one on a blue balloon. Sofia helped us let the balloons go up into the beautiful sky.




Shortly before we left our house for the cemetery there was a ring at the doorbell. We received a beautiful flower delivery from MEND, our support group, which included a white rose and purple forget-me-nots, with a card that said, "Our Thoughts and Prayers are with You Today as We Remember Christian. Love, MEND" The delivery man pointed out that there were more flowers, a card and cupcakes at our door. These additional gifts were from my MEND friend Jen who lives all the way out in Keller but happened to be in the area for a doctor appointment. We were so touched! The flowers from Jen were the most gorgeous blue orchids I have ever seen, perfect for Christian! Sofia was thrilled with the cupcakes and even sang Christian a song so she could dive in and devour one. ;)


Rick and I look at Christian's Angel-versary as like the day we got kicked in the gut, hit by a bus, run over by a train but as also the day our son saw the face of God and became an angel in heaven. After that there was a long 30 day waiting period until the afternoon I finally went into labor and delivered our sweet baby boy. We recently decided that will celebrate Christian's birth-day on April 19th as that is the day I gave birth to his precious little body.

Christian, we love and miss you!
Happy Angel-versary our sweet baby boy!
XOXO - Mommy, Daddy & Big Sister Sofia