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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Christian's "1st Birthday"

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I gave birth to our baby boy, Christian. We celebrated his life by having a yummy chocolate raspberry birthday cake from Tart at the cemetery. The three of us sang "Happy Birthday" to Christian and Sofia blew out his candle. While Sofia indulged in cake we read her, "Heaven is for Real for Little Ones." (Photos to come once we fix our laptop. I am currently posting from my iPhone.)

I can't believe it has been a year since I gave birth to Christian in our jacuzzi tub. We thought we would be pregnant today and we were until baby Jo died a few weeks ago. We didn't think we would get to Christian's 1st Birthday having lost yet another child but we did and it really sucks. :( We thought we would be expecting our rainbow baby today instead we are wishing, hoping and praying to get pregnant again around July and deliver a healthy happy living breathing rainbow baby in 2015.

Happy Birthday Christian! We miss you dearly but know you are safe in the arms of Jesus at our ultimate destination, Heaven. Christian, please pray for us and give your siblings Sam and Jo big hugs and kisses from all three of us. Love, Mommy, Daddy and Big Sister Sofia.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

We Have Named Our Babies

Since we believe that life begins at conception and we saw two sacs we felt obligated to name our babies. This was hard for us as we didn't want to add to our list of babies in heaven or add to the list of siblings Sofia has in heaven. It's just so sad for all three of us. The physical and emotional part of pregnancy which is then followed by loss effects each one of us and is taking its toll just when we were getting better after so much grief work and healing.

We definitely needed to name one baby as we know we were pregnant but since we saw two sacs we came up with two names just in case there were two souls created. I guess we'll know for sure when we get to heaven.

Our babies names are,

Jo Frances Macias & Lu Frances Macias

They share baby Sam's middle name as they are our babies whose gender we do not know since they died so early in my womb. There are many Saint Frances(s) but the one we think of when it comes to our babies is a Mother who lost two children to death from the plague in Italy.

Rick felt very strongly about the name Jo, it could be short for Joseph/ Jose or Josephine/ Josefina. In any case, it's a name after Saint Joseph, Jesus' earthly Father, and Patron Saint of Fathers. The name Joseph also means, "God shall add." Coming up with another two letter gender neutral name was a bit more challenging. I liked Lo after Our Lady of Sorrows, Lola, Delores or for a boy after one of the many Saint Lawrence(s). But we went with Lu which could be for one of the many St. Louise(s). My Maternal Grandmother's name was Louisa and she lost a son, her 10th child, shortly after birth. My Mom was very young as she was the ninth child and doesn't remember his exact age, days or weeks, or the cause of his death. He had a home-birth like all his siblings and well back in those days there was not a whole lot of good record keeping or testing.

So when Rick and I think of all of our children we think of,

1. Sofia Grace Macias
2. Sam Frances Macias
3. Christian Valentine Macias
4./5. Jo Frances Macias & Lu Frances Macias

It's crazy to think that when we get to heaven we may have three or four babies waiting to greet us. (tears)

Back in "The Valley"

We are back in "the valley" the valley of death, loss and grief. We thought we were going to be back on the "mountain top" when we conceived again on the first try in our beloved Florida early February and were possibly having twins based on my initial blood work numbers and sonogram. We were so happy, for a second. We saw a glimmer of light and now we are back in the darkness. It sucks!

We were pregnant again the month before the one year anniversary of Christian being pronounced dead and I was so relieved to get to the one year mark of that terrible news pregnant. And then it was over. We will now get to the one year anniversary of Christian's birth, April 19th, having experienced yet another pregnancy loss of one or two more of our babies. I may even still be bleeding when the 19th rolls around.

We are in "the valley" on yet another season of Lent. Lent has been really serious and quite depressing these last two years. We are having total déjàvu with the timing of our last two pregnancy losses.

During Stations of the Cross Friday I broke down in tears as I focused on the fact that Jesus fell three times and I have had three consecutive pregnancy losses of three or four babies. Three times! :( May all my suffering on earth be for redemptive purposes. (More on Redemptive Suffering to come later.)