Thursday, April 30, 2015

Two NaPro Stats on RPL

Slides from a NaPro Technology Presentation. First Slide Frustrating... Second Slide Encouraging... ;)

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

6 Months Out

Yesterday I was "six months out" from losing baby Jude. And well, it was a full circle kind of day. At 9AM I had a gallbladder ultrasound in the same room, probably by the same tech of the ultrasound that confirmed my first pregnancy loss. Rick was with me, Sofia was at school this time and I was strong. No tears, although I had some flashbacks, especially when the tech asked me to change in the bathroom. I could see the blood from years ago even though it was no longer there. Post Traumatic Stress...

I was fortunate to have conceived baby Jude with Rick and God through the natural procreative act of marriage. I was gifted to have seen Jude's healthy heartbeat in our first ultrasound. That was all quickly followed by devastation to see Jude's heartbeat dropping in the second ultrasound and his or her body measuring behind. I watched the ultrasound screen helplessly. I just wanted to scream and do everything in my power to save my baby/ keep him or her alive. Hell, I wished we could use paddles like those they use on TV to restart someone's heart. :(

We have been on a vicious cycle four times in a row for the last two and a half years. We go from joy, excitement, calculating baby's due date, telling our families, hope, planning for the future, envisioning baby, thinking about gender, mentally editing a gift registry, picturing the nursery, brainstorming announcement pics, contacting my doulas, thinking of a birth plan, bonding with our unborn baby in my womb, etc.. to total and complete utter devastation...find myself anxious today to never again be on the cycle of pregnancy loss. 

I am currently in both the acceptance and bargaining stages of grief. Accepting all that has happened and not knowing why/ what is killing my babies or making them sick and then die. Bargaining with God since the time we have tentatively planned to try again is quickly approaching. I am so grateful I took a six month break from TTC/ being pregnant again/ more on that later... Getting Shingles also made the six month break firm, the ER Doc said, "do not procreate on these Shingles meds." I was crazy fertile the night I wound up in the ER with Shingles. Kind of funny. Begging God to let the next baby we conceive with Him to be healthy and live with Rick, Sofia and I for a long lifetime on earth. Begging God to spare the three of us any more new pain and suffering in this area of our lives. 

Philippians 4: 6-7
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayers and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Eggs: Quantity & Quality

With eggs all around this past Lent and current Easter season I have been thinking about my eggs.

I've been wondering if I have quantity but not quality and that thought scares me! :( I obviously have eggs, I get pregnant rather quickly, on average in 2.6 months. Thank God for that much... Although, I would have rather it taken longer and not have had any losses or had a rainbow baby a whole lot sooner. I've been pregnant five times BUT my last four babies have died and appear to have probably died due to nonhereditary chromosomal reasons. Unfortunately, there is no way to test the quality of my eggs and each egg released each month is different from the last. We have been able to test my "quantity" also known as ovarian reserve (FSH, AMH, follicles) and things looked great/ right on track. So it makes me ask God and myself, "do I have a lot of eggs but not so strong and healthy eggs?" And if that's the case will I just keep getting pregnant only to lose my babies yet again and again? Hopefully not anymore! ;)

If quality happens to be my unexplained issue Lord, I pray for quality eggs in my next pregnancy, ironically as I prayed for in my last... ;(

Trying to focus on this Bible verse I picked as my mantra/ for memorization one week in Shiloh. 

Philippians 4: 6-7
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I definitely need some mind boggling peace that surpasses all understanding. ;) 

Love These Shoes!

It's Spring! And well that means it's time to update Sofia's wardrobe and shoe collection. Yay! Shopping for Sofia is definetely one of my favorite Mom jobs. 😉 Although buying clothing is a size 5T and shoes in a size 10 has been pulling on heartstrings. 😢 I really hope I get the opportunity to do this all over again and am so greatful that I at least got to/ get to do this for Sofia.

Anyway, I just learned about the shoe brand Native and decided to order Sofia a pair of their Jefferson Iridescence in Pink. These shoes are waterproof, washable, shock absorbant, odor resistant and animal free! They totally appeal to the green girl in me. 

Today is the first day Sofia has worn them and she LOVES them! :) They are kind of like a Crocs, jelly and sneaker rolled into one. I am thrilled that she will be able to slide them on quickly, wear them in water, at the beach and that I can easily rinse them off in the sink. Hip hip hooray for Native shoes!

Jefferson Iridescence Kids

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Remembering Baby Jo Today

In anticipation of today, the one year anniversary of the day I "delivered" baby Jo Frances, our fourth child who we conceived in love, and our third baby we lost, I bought beautiful yellow gerber daisies. This morning while cleaning the house I lit his or her butterfly vanilla bean sweet orange scented soy votive candle from Hip & Hippie. This afternoon after running errands I saw that MEND had remembered Baby Jo Frances too! Just a simple white rose with a purple ribbon, the signature color of MEND, and forget me not flowers means so much to me, it touches me deep within my soul that someone other than Rick and I remembers. Tears came to my eyes in the garage and I held on to my sunshine baby, Sofia, ever so tightly. I told her, Mommy misses baby Jo and all our babies in Heaven. She knows... She then just loved on me, made me smile and laugh. I apologized to her that all our other babies are in Heaven and that we don't have anymore babies on earth and she said, "but we will." Oh to have The Faith of a Child! That's my wish Sofia, that's my wish...