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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

6 Months Out

Yesterday I was "six months out" from losing baby Jude. And well, it was a full circle kind of day. At 9AM I had a gallbladder ultrasound in the same room, probably by the same tech of the ultrasound that confirmed my first pregnancy loss. Rick was with me, Sofia was at school this time and I was strong. No tears, although I had some flashbacks, especially when the tech asked me to change in the bathroom. I could see the blood from years ago even though it was no longer there. Post Traumatic Stress...

I was fortunate to have conceived baby Jude with Rick and God through the natural procreative act of marriage. I was gifted to have seen Jude's healthy heartbeat in our first ultrasound. That was all quickly followed by devastation to see Jude's heartbeat dropping in the second ultrasound and his or her body measuring behind. I watched the ultrasound screen helplessly. I just wanted to scream and do everything in my power to save my baby/ keep him or her alive. Hell, I wished we could use paddles like those they use on TV to restart someone's heart. :(

We have been on a vicious cycle four times in a row for the last two and a half years. We go from joy, excitement, calculating baby's due date, telling our families, hope, planning for the future, envisioning baby, thinking about gender, mentally editing a gift registry, picturing the nursery, brainstorming announcement pics, contacting my doulas, thinking of a birth plan, bonding with our unborn baby in my womb, etc.. to total and complete utter devastation...find myself anxious today to never again be on the cycle of pregnancy loss. 

I am currently in both the acceptance and bargaining stages of grief. Accepting all that has happened and not knowing why/ what is killing my babies or making them sick and then die. Bargaining with God since the time we have tentatively planned to try again is quickly approaching. I am so grateful I took a six month break from TTC/ being pregnant again/ more on that later... Getting Shingles also made the six month break firm, the ER Doc said, "do not procreate on these Shingles meds." I was crazy fertile the night I wound up in the ER with Shingles. Kind of funny. Begging God to let the next baby we conceive with Him to be healthy and live with Rick, Sofia and I for a long lifetime on earth. Begging God to spare the three of us any more new pain and suffering in this area of our lives. 

Philippians 4: 6-7
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayers and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.

Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

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