Thursday, July 21, 2016

I Remember You

I remember buying the pregnancy test that first told me about you. I was with your Daddy and it dark outside, after dinner. I remember going to the bathroom and laying the test on the countertop anxiously awaiting the result as we had been trying to conceive you for a few months. I remember falling on my knees thanking God that the test said you were here, with us, in my womb, we were pregnant with you, our second baby! I remember calling my Mom, your Abuelita, to tell her we were expecting your arrival right before her 61st Birthday. Abuelita was so happy and excited for us and Big Sister Sofia. 

I remember Daddy parking the car one night and me putting my right foot on to the ground and thinking to myself to watch my step and be careful as I was carrying you. I remember Daddy buying a bunch of ice cream at Baskin Robbins to co-celebrate and announce your existence to his side of the family. We were in Austin, your aunt was expecting too and your unborn cousin was just a few weeks older than you. I remember eating my favorite ice cream to celebrate your life, chocolate peanut butter! I think you must have liked it too. ;) I remember feeling nauseous the next morning over the hotel breakfast. I remember telling Big Sister Sofia you were in my belly. She paused for a moment and then went back to playing. She was so young, just 2 years and 2 months old so I don't think she really understood. I remember being so happy and so excited to be pregnant with you. I remember praying for you. I remember Daddy laying his hand on my belly praying for you, for us. I remember daydreaming about you, your gender, your looks, your personality, your relationship with your Big Sister Sofia and looking forward to meeting you face to face in July 2013. I remember you. 

I remember waking up before sunrise to the sudden out of nowhere warm-heat filled feeling that I was losing you. I remember waking Daddy up immediately telling him I thought I was losing you. I remember Daddy screaming, "No! No! No!" for that is how much he loved/ loves you and wanted you here with us, on earth, in our home, with our family. I remember being shocked. I remember grief overcoming every inch of my being as I did not want to say goodbye to you. I just wanted to love on you, grow you in my womb, nourish you in and out of my womb, mother you. Now I have to do what I can from afar. I can still love you, still remember you, still celebrate you, your existence, your short life on earth in my womb and your eternal life in Heaven. I can ask you to intercede in prayer for me, Daddy and your Sisters, Sofia and Little Sister Maria. You would be 3 years old today and I sometimes stop and image your presence in our home, in our lives, with your sisters. I imagine more fun, more joy, more love, more noise, more work, less sleep, a bigger car and a lot more caffeine... I will celebrate YOU, Baby Sam, over cupcakes tonight with three candles. I remember you and I love you! 

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